A Phantasie For Christmas – Stave One

In the fine Victorian tradition, Horneteer William Marler treats us to an episodic Christmas tale…


Dear Horneteers,

Strange things happen in… DREAMS…

An early train… I must have nodded off… suddenly I am confronted by a vision: the divine form of Lisette Anthony leaning down and gazing into my eyes. She is wearing a 1920’s cloche hat in reddish-brown felt with a large brown bobble on top.


“Darling”, she said, “I am going to have a baby.”


“Whose ?” I asked.


“Ours, of course, Darling!!!. Please will you marry me?”


“Of course I!!” said I!


“Now, you must not continue in this horrid train”, she declared, “Daddy is just outside on the platform in the Rolls. The private jet is only five minutes away and we can be in Herefordshire in twenty minutes!!!” What a good job I spotted you !!!”


The train was just about to pull out, and the guard was threatening to blow the whistle.


“But my Harris Tweed Jacket”, I said, “I know I put it in the luggage rack, and now I can’t find it!!! I have come all the way from Herefordshire to pick it up: it is irreplaceable !!! I must find it !!!! How could I ever face Mr Hornets again? I am sure a Communist must have stolen it !!!!”


“My Passport is inside it…. but that doesn’t matter. But the Harris Tweed jacket from Hornets…!!!!”


“Never Mind, darling” said Lisette…. “Daddy and I will follow in the Rolls, you find your jacket and we will pick you up at the next station.”


With this, she descended from the train and rigorously instructed the chauffeur. I noticed that her father looked strangely familiar, extraordinarily large, and unbelievably fierce.




“Darling, I’ve found it!!!” said I, “How very kind of you and your father to pick me up !!!”


Lisette’s father stood in his sparkling George Cleverley boots on the railway platform, beside his vintage Rolls Royce. My distinguished father-in-law-to-be appeared to be none other than James Robertson Justice and he towered massively while emitting a continuous low and thunderous growl (“Sounds just like The Guv’nor”, interjects The Man from the Hornet”)




To be continued…



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